I’m coming out!

Tags: coming out, gay, teenager

Categories: Blog,Just cool stuff!

For my second Blog post I have decided to write about my coming out story. I know a few of you heard part of it before but I feel it is very important to share these experiences with each other because they help others get through similar situations. I will start with a brief history – a foundation of how it all came about.

I was born in 1981 just as the AIDS epidemic was coming to light and the misinformation about the disease was influencing people’s beliefs about homosexuals (men mostly).  I remember my mother mentioning that a certain gay sex act is what causes the “AIDS”. Though I was six years old when I heard that, I knew I was different than other boys and it made me worry what would become of me if I turned out to be this “gay” thing.

I knew I was different in part because I always felt like an outcast when I played with the other boys on my street. Likewise when I played with the girls. My neighbourhood growing up had many kids to play with and for most of the time the girls and boys segregated themselves to play “appropriate” girl or boy games. The boys would play G.I. Joe’s, street hockey and go on adventures in the forest. The girls would play Barbie, My Little Pony and created a nature club. I wanted to do it all but of course there were consequences and I ended up being the outsider in each group.

When I got a little older (let’s say 11 or 12) I knew what it meant to be gay, but I had never made the connection that I was gay. I told myself that soon (as my teachers informed us in sex-ed) I would be going through those changes and would be attracted to girls like every other “normal” boy. One day my mom approached me in a serious manner and wanted to talk about her brother in Australia. He had gone missing for several months because his “roommate” had committed suicide but at this point he had already showed up so this had to do with something else.

My mom said “Shaun I have something to tell you about Uncle Mark…” and during that brief pause something had “clicked” in my head. “He’s gay” I exclaimed.  It all made sense to me – his roommate was not his roommate but his boyfriend. I knew this because when I had gone to visit him I had noticed that my Uncle Mark was also different than other men. I do not know how or why but I guess you can say I was starting to develop a “gaydar” – a sort of defense mechanism created by my subconscious in order to identify others like me. My mother was surprised but she then surprised me more by saying that if I turned out to be gay that she would be marching right beside me in a pride parade. It was comforting to hear that but I still had not thought of myself as being gay.

It was not until I was in high school when I was faced with questions about which girl I liked and who I was going to the dance with, that I had slowly started to question my sexual orientation. I denied it as best as I could and ignored the feelings or thoughts I had. I pretended to like this girl in my grade who had red hair (I always wish I had red hair) and mimicked what my male friends would do when they “liked” a girl.  At the same time the popular boys had singled me out as being gay. I endured the name calling but I was able to build up a “shield” to deflect most of it because I knew, any day now, that I was going to start being attracted to girls. After all it is what was supposed to happen.

The anti-gay bullying in high school started in grade 7 and went right through the end of grade 10. It ranged from name calling to physical attacks. None of the physical attacks were violent per se but were conducted to get a reaction out of me. Since I was in denial, my reactions were quite homophobic and to a lot of these boys, very humorous. So any chance they got they would blow me kisses or grab my butt in order to get a good laugh from the situation.

Looking back on it now, a lot of the things I endured seemed extreme (like some locker room incidents) but somehow I prevailed. I do not know how but I was able to stop the majority of these occurrences from getting to me. I am not sure how I would have handled it if they had turned violent – I feel lucky compared to some of my friends in that instance.

Anyways, it was not until the end of grade 8 that I came out to myself. I accepted the fact that I was gay and it was not going to change. I remember isolating myself from my friends and crying myself to sleep almost every night for over a year. I was afraid I was going to be rejected by my friends and my family. There were no real gay role models in the media for me to look to for hope or guidance and contacting my uncle did not seem like a smart thing to do. Then in grade 10 I had started seeing my guidance counsellor and after several visits I told her I was gay – I cried and she gave me a hug. She referred me to Project 10 and there I met many teens in the same situation as myself.

It was because of the acceptance and confidence I gained through P-10 that I was able to write an email to one of my friends telling her I was gay. She ended up reading it in front of another friend, so I technically came out to the both at the same time and both were very accepting and supportive.

I took me a few more months to gather up the courage to tell more friends. I strategically told them at the very end of grade 11 so if the news got out, I would not have to undergo the humiliation of the entire school teasing me. And as I expected, I only had to tell 3 people and they ended up telling everyone else. At first I was a little upset but I quickly realized that it saved me a lot of awkward and stressful moments.

Once all my friends knew about my sexual orientation, I had felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Especially since none of them rejected me and they all treated me the same way they did before I came out. I mean I was the subject of a few friendly jokes and one of them did question me and try to convince me it was a phase, but overall it was smooth sailing.

CEGEP came around and I was happy and free. I really did not care what others thought anymore and I even helped a friend of mine with GALA (Gays and Lesbians at Abbott). The only worry left was dealing with my family. I procrastinated telling them because I really did not see the urgency. I was not dating anyone and the platform shoes I wore did not phase them since they both lived through the 70s.

After CEGEP I had planned to take a trip to visit my family (including my uncle) in Australia for a few months. About a month or so before I was to leave, I called my uncle and told him I was gay. He told me he was not surprised and obviously was very supportive. At this point I figured I was soon to be 20 years old and since I was going to be away from home for a few months, in my mind there was a feeling that I needed to come out to (at least) my mom before I embarked on my quest.

I finally told my mother on Mother’s day (2001). She was shocked and very upset. She cried, I cried and we both hugged each other. She was not upset or mad at me, she was more concerned with the quality of life I would have. She knew her brother had a hard time and did not want me to have such a hard life. My mother told me she had no clue and was totally surprised. I thought back and remembered a few years earlier to a family dinner we had in a diner. It had pictures of every big celebrity there was and my mom had asked me which star, out of everyone there, would I like to meet? I looked around for a bit and then I gleefully replied “Liza Minnelli”. After thinking about that, I really do not know how my mom did not figure it out on her own.

So my mom knew and I went on my trip to Australia. I was very happy I told my mom because it brought me closer to her and I was able to talk freely with her and not have to hold back when talking about certain things. Especially since my uncle wanted me to experience the gay side of Sydney.

I do not remember exactly when my sister and my father found out. I think I remember telling my dad in the hospital after I had a tonsillectomy – it must have been the drugs I was on.  As for my sister I still am not sure how she found out but it never was an issue with her.

Now my whole family knows – extended and otherwise. Some through word of mouth and others found out the day I brought my boyfriend as a date to my cousins wedding. There was no announcement needed and no big show or traumatizing family event. It was just me and my date who happened to be a guy.

But my story does not finish there and neither will yours. You see, right now society is still changing – for the better but there still is a lot to move forward on. Coming out is not one event but many events. You start at a new school or a new job and you know eventually (though it is no one’s business but your own) you will have a situation where you will want to talk about your weekend that included your significant other and until your peers/colleagues know this tiny part of you – you will technically still be in the closet to them. It is that psychological barrier that needs to be crossed but it does get easier as times goes by. And ultimately there will come a time when we will not have to tell people about our sexual orientation or sexual identity etc. We will all just be us – human.

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss